39 weeks

It's been quiet around here, and that wasn't planned on my part. In fact, I have a handful of posts that are completely ready to go, and just didn't post them. Writing is one of my first loves, but sometimes even the process of writing must be put aside for a time. Late pregnancy is one of those times I need to be a bit quieter.

Pregnancy is progressing well--as of today I am at 39 weeks. Based on statistics and what I've been feeling in my body I am expecting about 2 weeks more before I meet my little one. Of course, that may be a little more or a little less--there is no way to tell.

Late pregnancy has had its challenges, as my husband can attest. The diminishing energy levels truly have been the most difficult for me to deal with. Slowing down is not my strong point. I've fallen into a pattern of "one day on, one day off." I will work hard and get a great deal done one day, only to find the next that simply getting out of bed is a challenge--much less doing anything more than preparing the most basic of meals. After a day of recovery I'm able to get up and about again. When I skip the day of recovery, and try to push through the tiredness, I pay dearly for the indiscretion. It takes much longer to recover from two "on" days back-to-back. This makes weekends rough--as the Friday, Saturday, Sunday string doesn't lend itself to a "down" day.

Baby is still being a wiggle worm, but has much less space to work with. Instead of feeling kicks and punches,  I feel squirming. Sometimes I know Baby is trying to stretch out, because I will suddenly feel short of breath. Baby is pushing up and I don't have as much room to breathe. Other times, especially in the evening right before bed time, I feel baby much lower--creating the strangest sensations. I can only imagine that s/he is turning his/her head back and forth.

Last week my cousin Jenny took my hubby and I out for maternity pictures. She did an amazing job, as you can tell from the pictures! Even my hubby enjoyed getting our pictures done, and he's not usually too crazy about the occasional obligatory picture session. If any of you live in the area, Jenny is the owner of 100 Years From Now Photography, and does a fantastic job all around (though my favorites are the maternity and babies... For obvious reasons :-P)

Friday we had our first sonogram. I won't tell the whole story, but when we went to the doctor we hadn't planned on getting a sonogram done. It was a miscommunication. However, once we realized the error we decided to go ahead with the sonogram--but not find out the gender. With less than 2 weeks till the "due date" I didn't want a doctor to tell me. I want my husband to make the announcement just before handing me my little one. The sonogram did assure us that we are carrying one very healthy baby, in the realm of 7-8 lbs, about as far along as we expected. All good things to know.

Can you see Baby's face? Both are face shots--the one on the left is clearer. I love it! I'm so used to seeing mid-term sonograms that I didn't realize how developed and clear the picture would be! Seeing Baby is so incredible.

One thing that has been on my mind is the parallels that God has given us in our relationship with Him and pregnancy. Perhaps the most vivid picture God has given us of Christ's return is the wait a mother has for the delivery of her little one. With all the advances that medical science has made, we still cannot predict a woman's true "due date" with any more accuracy than "sometime between week 38-42." We toss around "estimated" due dates (the 40 week mark) while knowing that only 7% of babies are actually born ON their "due date." When a woman gets to late pregnancy, the closest she can know is that she will meet her little one soon. But soon is undefined. It could be a couple days, a couple weeks--or even a month, she doesn't know. But she has to be ready for the moment of labor to come at any time. She finds a tension between her desire to meet her little one, and her desire to be fully prepared for his arrival.

“But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

In the same way we can't know when exactly Christ is coming. We know he is coming soon--but soon is undefined. It could be a couple days, a couple months, or not in our lifetime. We don't know. But we do know that the moment of His coming could be at any time, and we must be prepared for it. We find a tension  between our desire to meet our Jesus face to face, and our desire to be fully prepared for his arrival.

A good picture, isn't it? Such is our God.

In the meantime, if things progress the way I expect them to, I hope to get one more pregnancy post in before the baby comes. But if the next pregnancy post is to announce a new little blessing, I can't say I'd mind!

Baby List, one month to go!

With about four weeks left before my due date, I've been buckling down and getting ready for this baby. My hubby has been telling me for weeks that I'm nesting, but when he first started saying that I didn't believe him. People throw around the term "nesting" so often, that the minute an expecting mom decides to do a major house clean she's determined to be "nesting," even if she would have done that same clean on the same day were she not expecting a baby. So, I didn't go for the "nesting" theory. I was just doing what needed to be done, and I'm pretty sure I would have done it even if I weren't pregnant.

But.... now it's official. I've spent the last few days getting the nursery ready, cleaning, organizing, planning--whatever your definition of nesting is, I've been doing exactly that for the last three days. To the point that I genuinely dislike anything slowing down my nesting projects ("Bedtime, Shmed-time! why would I stop putting together the baby's book case just so I can get some sleep?" or, "Ah, man.... sewing? Do I HAVE to? Baby's closet needs to be organized! Now!").

Yeah, it's silly. But it DOES need to be done...

Part of my nesting is making sure I have everything together for Baby. In less than a week I'll be considered "full term" which means I need to at least have the basics on hand! Here is my previous list, updated:

Necessities

Carseat~I got this at my shower--hurray! And THANK YOU to the ones who gave it to me (it was a group gift)

Diaper Bag~I got this at my shower--and I absolutely love it. The bag is huge, and has a bunch of pockets. Isn't it pretty?

Diapers/wipes (cloth/disposable)~I still need these, but I have enough disposables to get through the first week or two if baby comes early. I've registered on Amazon for some cloth diapers, but will want a stash of disposables also. It's nice to have flexibility--especially the first few weeks when I'm getting used to having a baby around. :-)

Clothing~I have a few different sets of onsies already from grandparents and friends. I'm focusing on gender neutral colors (yellow, green, etc).

 Stroller~Still working on this one

Sling or carrier~Still need this. I'm thinking the Ergo looks best, though I've heard it doesn't work well for infants. If that's true, I'd go with the Moby wrap. 

Receiving blankets/spit up cloths~I have one package, but could probably use a few more. 

Baby Bath~Got it!! (or, going to get it, anyway. It's in the mail. :-) But I have some cute bath toys to hold me over)

Nice to Have

Bottles/pump~I have the bottles now, still need the pump. Having bottles and a pump will give more flexibility in the long term, but it won't be the main form of feeding  

Playpen~Already have this thanks to my aunt/uncle!

Swing~Definitely handy to have.

Diaper pail~Yeah.... Definitely a good thing. We'll probably just get a sturdy metal trash can with a lid. It doesn't have to be fancy.

Nursing cover/supplies~I have the nursing supplies, still need a nursing cover and a nursing pillow. 

Super-awesome-paci-that-a-smart-mother-with-a-sick-baby-invented--Okay, okay, that wasn't on my original list. But aren't those pacis neat? One is a medicine dispenser, the other is a thermometer. I have no idea if they will work for my baby, but the idea is brilliant. And very, very sneaky.  

Furniture

Changing table/dresser combo~Have it.... sort of. :-) I am now the overly proud owner of a cube. Isn't it cute? It's also color coded, and I built it myself. The cube gives me the same amount of storage space as a dresser (but more organized), so the dresser is no longer a "need." I am going to keep my eye out for one, though, as any extra storage space is always useful and it would be nice to have the changing table top (the ONLY downside to my wonderful cube is that it isn't big enough to accomodate a changing pad on top like a dresser could). I'll look for one at a garage sale, and paint it to match the other furniture. 

Crib and mattress~I have the crib and mattress picked out now. We had considered waiting till after delivery to purchase them as they are more pricey and Baby will be with us the first little while, but I'm so eager to see the nursery finished I may not be able to wait that long! :P

Book Case~Got it! I put this together the same day I made my cube, and it is sooooo nice to get all our books neatly put away!! I'm seriously pleased with it. AND, most of the books on the shelf are kids books. Older kids, but still kids. As it is the "nursery" book shelf, I'm quite pleased.  

Orange French Toast

Awhile back I found this recipe on Allrecipes, and fell in love. The added orange flavor really kicks the french toast experience into high gear.

Of course, I never can leave a recipe be, so I soon began tweaking and changing the recipe to reach "perfection." Part of the tweaking was figuring out how to include more protein, because protein is one of my major pregnancy focus areas. It's also the one area that I must maintain if I want to feel good. Days I don't get much protein I'm constantly hungry, days I get a good amount of protein I'm satisfied. With that in mind, breakfast is a good place to start!

This recipe is the one I used for Freezer Cooking Day 3 this month. It makes more than we eat in a single meal, however it is nice to be able to freeze the extras for another meal.

1 dozen eggs

1 Tbs orange juice (optional)

1 Tbs orange zest

2 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp sugar

6 pieces of whole grain bread

Combine all ingredients in a dish except bread and mix well. 

  Dip bread into dish, coating in egg mixture on both sides, and allow to soak for at least 2 hours, but as long as overnight. The bread will not soak up all the egg mixture. When prepared to cook, place on skillet at medium-low heat.

To give it that extra boost of protein, I use a trick I learned from my mom. First prick each piece of bread generously with a fork...

...and then ladle spoonfuls of the leftover egg mixture into the bread. Take your time with this, the bread will not absorb the egg quickly. If I am patient I can usually use up the full amount of egg mixture, meaning I'm getting a ratio of two eggs for each slice of bread.

This is what the french toast looked like when I'd finished ladling--you can see how much of the egg mixture each slice took. Once it has cooked (and the egg mixture has firmed up a bit) flip and cook on the other side. When finished, remove from skillet and enjoy!

I usually make enough for several meals, and freeze the leftovers in ziploc bags.

Peanut Butter Protein Shake

This is another shake recipe. Instead of focusing on getting in my greens and coconut oil, as I did with the pineapple smoothie recipe posted last week, this shake focuses entirely on protein. Protein is very important during pregnancy, as it has been proven that when a mother eats 80-120 grams of protein each day the risk of pre-eclampsia drops dramatically. 

My midwife has encouraged me to shoot for 100-120 grams of protein each day. Since then I learned that I have several of the risk factors of pre-eclampsia (one of which is a first time pregnancy). I've been very careful to maintain my protein intake, and I believe this is one reason my pregnancy has been 100% without complaint so far.

This particular protein shake is enough for two people.

Redeeming memories

I'm sitting down to write without thinking through what I want to say. Probably not a good start for a post, and not usually the way I roll. But for the moment, it is what it is.

My midwife appointment was today. It went well, and set to rest some concerns I had. Preeclampsia? Donna laughed. Literally none of the red flags except an unusual weight gain the last couple weeks. Concerned about that "unusual" weight gain? Well, my weight has been on the low side throughout this pregnancy, and apparently Baby R decided to have a growth spurt the past two weeks. I'm now right on track with where I should be. All is well.

 Donna advised me not to self diagnose with Google anymore.

I think I'll take her advice.

Afterwards I went out with my SIL and MIL for lunch and some Buy Buy Baby drooling. The meal was a lovely and rare treat. I can't remember the last time the three of us have gone out together--it's pretty fun that Melody and I use the same midwife. Melody is now at almost 3 weeks past her estimated due date (she suspects the due date might be off a tad). She's so ready to have her little boy!

After killing time for a couple hours I was invited to accompany the two of them to Melody's sonogram. I hesitated, but said yes. Some associations ought to be redeemed. Associations like the ones I have with sonograms. And it's been long enough that I was ready to redeem this one.

The last time I went to get a sonogram--the ONLY time I've been to a sonogram--was when I saw my little baby's heart not beating. I hoped if I went with Melody, saw her little Timothy safe and well, I wouldn't associate the sonogram with lifeless, silent, broken hearts. My head knows not all of them end like that... but my experience (and emotions) says otherwise.

I didn't realize that Melody was going to the same place I went until we pulled into the parking lot. I'd just wanted to redeem the process of getting a sonogram--not necessarily the place. Had I known, I might not have gone.  I couldn't think of anything but my baby--my first baby--as I stepped out of the car.

It was the same parking lot Richard and I went to.

We sat in the same waiting area,

With the same midwife, and midwife's assistant,

for the same amount of time,

and ultimately were ushered into the same room, with the same screen, that had showed my baby, Christian, so silent and still, not quite a year ago.

I studied the faces of the people who were ahead of us, especially the mamas, as they came out. Were they happy? Or did I really see traces of the devastation I'd felt myself not long ago? I couldn't tell.

It wasn't a birthing class, but sometimes I felt like it was as I silently coached myself to breathe in.... breath out.

Once in the room I watched the screen intently, unable to discipher what was so obvious to the technician.  I could only tell the basics--Timothy was big and moving around, Christian had been tiny and still. Eventually all the "pictures" and measurements had been taken, and Donna talked to Melody. I got to see what midwives talk about when everything is well.

Did I redeem the memory, the process?

I don't know. I didn't realize how hard it would be, how draining. The grief took me by storm. I'd thought after 11 months I was past all of it... but I'm still a mama separated from her baby. Pregnancy is healing, but one baby doesn't replace another baby in a mama's heart.

But I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I saw a healthy, active whole baby. Next time I go in to get a sonogram it will probably be just a checkup, not because something might be wrong. Next time I will think of Timothy, and hold that memory, instead of holding the other one, and the fears that it brings.

And next time, Lord willing, my husband and I will walk out with smiles instead of tears.

Together with Baby

Joining Lisa-Jo and others this morning for Five Minute Friday, where we cut the words loose for just five minutes, and see where they fall. No editing, just encouraging the others who play along. The topic today is Together.





In just a few more weeks my baby will be with us in person. I will get to meet the little one I've been carrying and feeling for months now. It really is hard to believe how soon that time is. From right now I have three and a half weeks until I'm considered "full term." (37 weeks) While I expect this little one to go long rather than short, the idea that we could conceivably meet in just a very (very!) few weeks is breathtaking.

The last few months we've been together in such a special way. I feel kicks, and turns and lumps and bumps like I never expected. I remember the first time Baby was big enough to feel his (or her) rump. All of a sudden a huge lump poked out of my tummy. It looked strange and felt strange, and when I showed Daddy how his baby was laying he had the most surprised expression on his face!!

Other times when baby is wiggly I just watch my tummy and giggle. Last night a friend sitting across the couch from me asked if the baby was moving--because she could SEE baby moving!

Yes, the last few months of being together in this "oneness" sort of way has been wonderful and entertaining all at the same time. But I'm looking forward to another form of togetherness in just a month or two. The kind of togetherness in which I can see the face of my little one, know their name, and find out whether I've got a boy or a girl. Just a few more weeks.

Baby List

 Through most of this pregnancy I've been pretty relaxed about preparing for Baby. The first trimester I specifically asked to not be given baby products, because of my recent miscarriage. The second trimester I just had other things to think about, and the baby was far enough off that I didn't feel a need to focus on getting "baby stuff."

The last couple weeks that has changed. Showers loom on the horizon, meaning I do actually need to get the registry together (and "No" my family insists, "Amazon doesn't count."). Birthing classes remind me weekly of all the things I DON'T know and need to learn. The homework, though not hard, keeps my mind focused during the week. More frequent midwife appointments let me listen to Baby R more often, and the added discomforts of late pregnancy make me thankful for the recently started bi-monthy chiropractor visits. All of these things added together remind me that this baby is coming, and I've got less than 7 weeks left to prepare.

(in fact, while I expect Baby to come closer to 41 weeks, a 37 week baby isn't considered premature. So... in reality, I've actually got 4 weeks to get ready, just in case.)

So here is a list of my baby needs, and how I'm coming with accumulating them. I've divided it into several parts, in (semi) order of necessity:

Necessities

Carseat~Needs to be new for safety reasons, I registered for one on Amazon.

Diapers/wipes (either cloth or disposable)~I plan to use cloth diapers primarily, but with so many options I have concerns about purchasing a bunch before Baby and I can try them out together. I've registered for a couple different ones on Amazon, and when we find out which cloth diaper works best for us I'll "stock up" on the cloth.

Clothing~I have a few different sets of onsies already from grandparents and friends. I'm focusing on gender neutral colors (yellow, green, etc).

 Stroller~Of course.

Diaper Bag~I'm in love with my SIL's diaper bag, which isn't actually a diaper bag. It's a Vera Bradley, so it doesn't have the plastic lining. She's been using it for a year and says that isn't a problem--and it's a lot cuter than most of the diaper bags I've seen in the store!

Sling or carrier~I'm not sure what type, but something that allows me to keep baby close but hands free. When Baby gets bigger my hubby already has a baby backpack for going on walks in. 

Receiving blankets/spit up cloths~Probably quite a few of these... :-P

Baby Bath~Yeah, gonna need this. Definitely don't want to be bathing baby in the sink. Registered for it at Babies R Us. 

Nice to Have

Bottles/pump~I'm getting two different kinds of bottles, glass bottles (normal bottle nipple) and breastflow (made to simulate breastfeeding). We'll see which works better for us.

Playpen~Already have this thanks to my aunt/uncle!

Swing~Definitely handy to have.

Diaper pail~Yeah.... Definitely a good thing. Even if we are focusing on using cloth. :P

Nursing cover/supplies~These will see a lot of use.

Furniture

Changing table/dresser combo~With storage space being a premium in the apartment, a dresser is very close to an "absolute necessity" need. If I have to get a dresser anyway, it might as well have the changing table top on it. 

Crib and mattress~I haven't picked out the crib, but I've narrowed it down to two styles I like. The mattress has to be organic, as regular mattresses have a lot of chemicals and Baby R will be spending a lot of time here. This isn't under "absolute necessities" because Baby R will be with us the first couple months in a bassinet. It would be really nice to have this before delivery, but if we don't we'll get it after. :)

Book Case~In our 2 bdrm apartment, the second bedroom is split between nursery (one half) and office/library (other half). We have three bookcases currently, and enough books piled around them to fill a fourth book case. There won't be space for baby stuff until we get those books put away. 



So, yes. Pretty much starting from scratch here as everything I have but the playpen and a box of diapers is pictured. But honestly, I do feel better about making a list. There aren't nearly as many things as I thought there would be. I may be "starting at the very beginning," but we can do this. :-)

Pregnancy nutrition--new series

At the birthing class my husband and I are attending I have to keep up with what I eat each day as part of my weekly homework. I am following Dr Brewers Pregnancy Nutrition Program.

I've been keeping semi-close tabs on my nutrition throughout this pregnancy. At first the part of my diet that was the most challenging was getting all my protein and dairy in. According to Dr. Brewer, I need to drink a quart of milk a day--and for someone who didn't previously drink milk at all that was a major change!! In addition, usually during pregnancy a woman needs to consume 80-100 grams of protein a day. For various reasons, my midwife asked me to shoot for 100-120 grams of protein daily. That's a LOT of protein! After a month or so I got into the rhythm of dairy and protein, and now it isn't hard at all. I just evaluate pretty much everything I eat based on protein count. 

Now that I'm keeping a food journal again, I'm finding the two things I struggle most with are the greens and coconut oil. The greens have always been a challenge, because I just don't care for salads. I can remember maybe four green salads in my life I liked well enough for seconds. I just don't like lettuce, spinach, and other leafy greens, no matter how good they are for me. That isn't to say I won't eat them if they are served to me (or are drenched in enough unhealthy salad dressing), but I don't typically make them myself--and certainly not to the tune of two servings per day!

Coconut oil isn't technically in Dr. Brewers diet, though "3 servings of healthy fats" are. I'm going specifically for coconut oil due to its wonderful health benefits. But eating coconut oil just isn't tasty. I've tried it in warm tea and warm milk, and even tried eating a spoonful straight. Yuck. Consuming it as a supplement just isn't my thing. Last class, however, my teacher explained to us that the reason the fats are so important (especially at this stage in pregnancy) is that if they are consumed regularly they will increase the moisture and "strechability" of the skin.   One doesn't have to consider the birthing process very long to see why this would be a very, very good thing.... So, back to thinking creatively about coconut oil.  

The next couple weeks on Tuesdays I'm going to share a few recipes that have been a huge help to me in getting my pregnancy nutrition in good order. Some of them have helped me in all four of my difficult areas, some are just great (healthy) snacks. Pretty much all of them are reasonably fast, easy, and inexpensive. 

My dearest little one,

My dearest little one,

 Even though I've never met you, I feel like I've been getting to know you over the last few weeks. You are so energetic! Last week your daddy woke up in the middle of the night and felt you dancing around in me while I was sleeping. He couldn't believe how busy you were (or that I could sleep right through it!). He said that any baby who has that much energy has to be either a strapping warrior-in-the-making or a jungle princess.

Even our midwife, Donna, said you were unusually energetic. Of course, that morning your mama had given you your first "taste" of doughnuts (a piece of information she didn't volunteer...), so the sugar may have had something to do with your quick little movements. You didn't like the junk food, though. In fact, although your mama had greatly anticipated the unusual treat, she wasn't even able to finish it! Maybe you will be one of those rare children who prefer fruits and veggies to candy bars and suckers. Your mama certainly wouldn't mind (though she isn't holding her breath).

This past weekend your mama and daddy went to a concert with your your granddad and grandmother. It was in honor of St. Patricks Day, and was entirely Celtic music (which happens to be a favorite of your mama's). There were even some Irish dancers for some of the songs (did you know your mama used to take Irish Dance?). You certainly seemed to enjoy the concert--any time the music was going you were awake and dancing away, but when the music stopped you took a nap. Your daddy assured me that meant you were either going to be a bag piper, or an irish dancer.

Did you know that your great-aunt Denise gave your mama and daddy a bag of fortune cookies she stuffed herself? Each fortune cookie, there are a dozen, has a different instrument. She said we were to open one for each baby, and that way we'd know what kind of instrument to assign each little one. She was only joking, but your mama really did keep the cookies, and has opened one for each pregnancy. You got the Trombone.

It's a good thing God is the one that directs our future and our interests, and not our parents/family. If you were to fulfill all of these predictions you'd end up as either a musical warrior with bagpipes and a trombone, or an jungle princess who does Irish dance while playing her trombone. Either picture makes your mama giggle.

Well, my little one, I need to finish this. I am looking forward to meeting you in just three months.

With love,

Your mama

 

305. A week off of work
306. working down a "to-do" list, and finishing. Or at least getting close
307. The sound of birds in the morning
308. Rain pattering on the roof
309. Whole days spent at home, choosing not to rush off

#310

310. Sister Grace spending the night
311. God's schedule planning (so much better than mine!)
312. A surprise gift
313. Helping out with the Cherished Ministry--and that Grace could come also
314. Cold stone creamery coffee ice cream

#319

315. A long conversation with a friend (who taught me a few new things about my home business!)
316. Heat embossing, with the keepers (I've been looking forward to learning this all semester--and it was just as fun as I expected!!)
317. A mid-day phone call from my dad
318. A funny conversation about Harleys and ice cream at the Braums checkout line
319. Two dozen pink roses from my man, spread all over the house--the table, the bathrooms, the counter.

#319

320. Baby, kicking away
321. A Celtic concert, complete with dancing, acting, and amazing singing.
322. Chinese food--specifically duck. Mmmmmmm
323. Our first Shelf Reliance party--and it went well!
324. The moment we realized that AT that first party, instead of serving the made up Chicken Salad, we'd accidentally served an unseasoned mixture of freeze dried chicken, celery, and onion--but no one noticed. And the laughter that ensued (I'm still giggling).
325. Foot rubs from my man--always appreciated!
326. A bouquet of wildflowers from my Keepers girls

#326

26 weeks down... 14 to go...

 Time for another pregnancy update!  Since my last update Pregnancy has been progressing quite nicely. The biggest change is the rate that I am changing sizes. I'm actually getting to the point now that some of my maternity clothes are getting snug--a problem that I never realized could happen a couple months ago when I gleefully shopped for maternity clothes. The lotion bottles in the house are emptying about as fast as my belly is growing, as I try to avoid stretch marks. So far, so good. :-)

My big project

21 weeks and counting

As of a few days ago I have reached the halfway point of this pregnancy. Twenty one weeks. If the due date is correct (and I don't expect it to be *smiles*) I'll be holding my little one in 133 days.

So far the Lord has blessed me with a very healthy pregnancy. I've been nauseous sometimes, but it hasn't been especially difficult or frequent. My immune system is definitely lower than normal--but usually I only get sick if I'm already pushing it too hard. I've dealt with exhaustion, but that has largely cleared up in the last month or so. I still crash sometimes, but usually there's a good reason.

I'm often asked if I've had any food cravings. Not especially, unless ice cream counts (and my hubby can affirm that craving isn't pregnancy specific!). I'm leaving the option open, though. It would be a shame to get through this entire pregnancy and NEVER play the "pregnancy craving" card. ;-)

I have had a genuine food aversion--ground beef. Apparently it is normal for a woman to develop a food aversion to something she was eating a lot of early in pregnancy. Maybe if I'd realized that I wouldn't have purchased 40lb case of ground beef right after I found out I was pregnant...

As of about 15 days ago I felt Baby for the first time. The very next evening Richard was able to feel her also. I went from feeling nothing whatsoever to feeling kicks every morning and evening. Now I can feel them throughout the day. It is a relief to have a daily confirmation that everything is going well.

Another frequent question is whether we plan on having a sonogram to discover the gender. At this point, no, we aren't planning on it. However, Richard's Granny is very good at gender prediction (of the last 13 babies born in the church, she has predicted 100% correctly). While I might not go out and decorate the nursery based on her prediction, I'm certainly looking forward to what she has to say.

21 weeks

Altogether this pregnancy has been a quiet, healthy one. I've been busy, but everything has been low-stress. I'm just enjoying my time with my baby, and taking advantage of the last few months my hubby and I have of being "just us" (while there may be three instead of two now, at this point Baby is happy to do whatever mama wants to do. I know that's going to change in the near future! *smile*).

We are greatly anticipating meeting our little one for the first time in just a few short weeks.

Remembering

A couple weeks ago I was reminded by Holly that the month of October is

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

That's not very hard.

The past couple months have been full ones for me. The blog has been quieter than it ever has been this year, and it's because in the last few months I've dealt with just about every major life change there is.

Moving. 

Miscarriage. 

Job Loss. 

Pregnancy. 

Loss of a loved one. 

As much as it has been to process, I haven't ever forgotten about my little one.  I couldn't ever forget about him.

It was four months ago that my little one, my first, our Christian William, went home to be with Jesus. It was completely unexpected--but these things always are, I suppose. It still amazes me how much love two parents can have in their heart for a child they never met.

I think about him every day.

There are a couple things I have done to remember my little one...

The first was to make a baby box. It isn't much, really. So little that I keep it in the top drawer of my jewelry box. There are a couple of my positive pregnancy tests (though I didn't keep all 7!! *smiles*). A heart charm. And a fortune cookie insert that says Alto Sax (when I was married my aunt gave me a gift bag with a dozen fortune cookies "re-stuffed" with the names of various musical instruments. She told me she expected me to have a lot of children who were all musical, and to avoid redundant instruments all I had to do was open a fortune cookie with each pregnancy to find out which musical instrument that child needed to learn. Christian, apparently, would have played Alto Sax.)

Perhaps the thing that has helped the most in remembering my Christian was a gift from my husband and a dear friend who also lost her first. It is a remembrance bracelet by La Belle Dame. The bracelet itself is made of alternating beads of Blue Lace Agate and Rose Quartz, because it was too early for us to know for sure whether we were having a boy or a girl. There are three Forget Me Not flowers, and on either side of each flower is a gemstone--one for the month of conception (diamond), one for the month of the loss (pearl), and one for the month he would have been due (garnet). I rarely leave the house without this bracelet on.

The grieving process has been difficult, but the Lord has been with us through it all--and He has blessed us with family and friends who have helped tremendously.



For those of you who have little ones with Jesus, did you do anything this month to remember them? If so, I'd love to hear about it.

The Fight for Joy

The past three Tuesdays I have been looking at the issue of miscarriage and what we can do to help our loved ones through such a difficult time. I want to close that series by introducing you to another series written by my husband. This past Sunday he was invited to preach the morning service at our church. What started as a sermon ended as a testimony as he shared from  his heart what the Lord has been teaching him about fighting for joy in the midst of grief.  That sermon became this series of posts:

The Fight for Joy

Over the past three months I have been in a soul-struggle for joy and gratefulness. This has stemmed from dealing with deep loneliness as well as the death of my unborn son in June. Miscarriages are not uncommon (about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage), but saying that and knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

And the loneliness – well, the loneliness is something I have struggled with silently for the better part of my teenage and adult years. It comes and goes, but lately it seems like it’s been coming more than it’s going. And that is hard, when you are already fighting and losing the battle for joy in your soul – our souls are the battlegrounds in which the Christian life is fought.

This series of posts (and the sermon they came out of) is the heart’s cry of a man fighting against himself and against the world for joy. I haven’t beaten it yet. I haven’t won the fight. But I am fighting. And I want you to join me.

Post continued here

Audio version of the sermon can be found here

After a miscarriage: How to help (Part 3)

On Tuesdays I have been taking a look at different ways to support a mother after a miscarriage. Last week we focused on some common mistakes that are made. This week I want to take a more positive look at support. Our focus this week will be on ways to build up a mama after her loss, to help her focus on the Lord and grieve in a healthy way.

When giving comfort after a miscarriage DO: 

1. Remind her that she is still a mama, if the baby she lost was her first. This is a struggle because culturally the only form bereavement not recognized is that of a parent toward their children. A woman whose husband dies is a widow. A man who looses his wife is a widower. A child who has lost their parents is an orphan. But what is a mama who has lost her baby? Remind her that even if she never saw her baby she is still a mama, and that it is okay to grieve the baby.

2. Pray for her, both in and out of her presence. This is huge. When I was dealing with the start of postpartum depression this was the main thing that brought me out of it (though there were other factors, and I don’t mean to indicate my experience will be the same as someone else’s experience). It is comforting for the mama to know she is being prayed for, but it is huge for a friend to come and lovingly, personally, specifically take her before God. A good question to ask is, “Is there anything specific you would like me to pray for?” And then pray for it. Right there with her.

3. Be willing to listen if she wants to talk. Obviously, you may or may not be able to listen to the details of what the mama is experiencing both physically and emotionally. She also may not feel like talking. But if she is able to talk, it is helpful to have a listening ear. As part of this, you must be willing to ask her questions. “How are you doing emotionally?” “How are you doing physically?” “Do you want to talk about it?” These questions are ‘open door’ questions. Asking them indicates to her that you are willing to listen if she wants to talk, but it doesn’t force her to talk if she doesn’t feel up to it.

4. Give a hug. A simple hug can really lift the spirits. There’s no way for YOU to know whether the mama is on a “down” day or an “up” day, especially if she is the type to grieve in private. Either way, a hug of love and friendship can really lift the spirits.  

5. Share “war stories,” if appropriate. This will depend on the mama, but it can be helpful to hear from other women who have miscarried. “Yeah, I miscarried my first one also. It was rough. But here are the things the Lord used to help me through it.” It can be helpful to see other women model a healthy form of grieving, and this also lets the mama know who is “safe” to talk to.

6. Talk details if the experience was similar. Again, whether this is helpful depends on the individual mama (so pay attention, and give her a chance to get out of the conversation or change the subject if she needs to), but if you’ve experienced a miscarriage that was similar to the one she is going through sharing your experience can be helpful in a very practical way. In my case, last year a lady at church had experienced a miscarriage at 10 weeks, about the stage mine happened. Before my actual miscarriage occurred she was able to tell me what to expect physically, which helped me face the “unknown” with less fear.

“Extra Credit”

These are a few things that really helped me, mainly because it showed me I wasn’t “alone.” They are unexpected, but very loving gestures if you feel the urge to do something extra. I have awesome friends.

Offer to bring a meal over, or help in some other way. In some parts of the country this practice is totally foreign, but down here in the south we look after our friends who are hurting. Had a baby? Lost a family member? Dealing with a move or job loss? We’ve got your meals covered. When dealing with something major it is a big help to know that dinner, at least, will be on the table. Miscarriage is typically overlooked in the list of “major losses” mainly because the mama is still fully capable of handling her usual duties, or isn’t down for very long. But simply making the offer, whether or not it is needed/accepted, tells the mama, “I see your pain, I know I can’t make it better, but I care about you and really DO want to help.”

Send flowers. Again, a typically overlooked gesture (and certainly not expected!), but meaningful.

Offer to give her something to remember her baby by. When a mama looses her baby after birth she usually has something physical to remember her baby by—baby clothes, a tombstone, something. A mama who looses her baby to a miscarriage, particularly an earlier miscarriage, doesn’t have that. Having a physical item can be helpful in moving through the grieving process. There are a number of different things that could be offered. Willow Tree has a few figurines that would be appropriate. I was offered a piece of jewelry with a birthstone. There is an Anne Geddes print that would be a lovely gift (though hard to find). Depending on how she grieves (and where she is in the grieving process) the mama may or may not want this. But the offer is very thoughtful and will be appreciated.  

After a Miscarriage: Things NOT to say

Last week I promised some guidelines that will help you help a loved one work through their grief after a miscarriage. I'm going to start the list off with some things to avoid doing when your loved one is grieving the loss of her child. These things are easy to do, and are based on either false assumptions or thoughtlessness.

While these are gleaned from personal experience over the last month, I didn't necessarily experience the "negative" side. My friends and family were extremely supportive of me throughout this season, and I truly couldn't have asked anything more of them.

If you don't have time to read through the rest of this post, the gist of it can be had in one statement--remember that she just lost a REAL BABY and treat her accordingly. Most of the inconsiderate things people say would never have left their mouths if they had ever seen and held the baby themselves. Mama's bond with their babies much earlier than anyone else. As soon as a mama finds out she is pregnant she forms a bond of love with her child, a bond that doesn't just "go away" when she miscarries.


When your loved one has had a miscarriage DON'T:

1. Talk extensively about how the loss made YOU feel.

Just as a pregnancy announcement is greeted with joy amongst friends of the new mama, news of a miscarriage can be grieved by more than just the parents. The mama probably understands this, but at the same time she’s working through her own grief. It's important to her to know how you feel, but she may not have the emotional reserves to be told every little detail of your grief.

2. Tell her miscarriages are usually due to a genetic problem and her child wouldn’t have survived anyway.

It is surprising how often this is said. While yes, this is a possibility, is it really one that needs to be told to a mama in the midst of grieving? Frankly, this to me seems about on the same level as telling a mama at the funeral for her 1 year old child, “It’s just as well he died now, because he most likely wouldn’t have turned out well, or would have gotten into trouble, or would have died sometime soon anyway.” Is this a possibility? Sure it is. But who would dream of saying that? In most cases there is no way to know why the miscarriage happened, particularly if it is a first miscarriage, and this kind of speculation just isn’t helpful.

3. Quote statistics.

This is the only one on this list that might be helpful in some situations. If the miscarriage is early, and the mama doesn’t know that the majority of miscarriages happen within the first 8-10 weeks of pregnancy, perhaps the knowledge will help her concerns about future pregnancies. All the same, I don’t recommend mentioning this. It isn’t something that helps with grieving, and you can assume that someone else has already mentioned it to her if she happened to be ignorant. Leave the statistics to those people who don’t know how deal with a grieving mama—there are plenty of those people in the world already (and she’ll probably be hearing this more than once).

4. Talk about another friend of yours who had a miscarriage.

If you haven’t had a miscarriage yourself, it can be very tempting to share the bit of experience you’ve had. But talking about a stranger’s recent miscarriage probably isn’t something the mama wants to do, particularly if it is in detail. On the other hand perhaps you would have mentioned your friend’s miscarriage anyway. You mentioned it not considering the fact that the mama you are talking to had a miscarriage of her own recently. It probably came up naturally in conversation (to you) but to the mama before you it may have come as a slap of reminder about the grief she is still working through herself. Don’t be awkward about it, but when you realize the mistake please do change the subject or at least avoid giving gory details or talking about “how hard it must be” on your other friend. It is hard. And the mama you’re talking to knows exactly how hard it is.

5. Avoid any mention of her miscarriage.

Right after the miscarriage occurs this can be downright confusing. The mama has the difficult task before her of spreading the news that she is no longer expecting. It can be easy to forget who’s been told and who hasn’t—often this is clarified by a cheerfully ill-timed inquiry about the baby. If you make no mention whatsoever of the miscarriage it puts the mama in the awkward situation of trying to figure out if you know or not in order to head off a potentially painful and awkward situation. If you don’t want to talk about it or hear about it, simply say “I’m sorry to hear of your loss,” to let the mama know you’ve heard, give a hug and move on.

6. Feel obligated to talk about it.

This may seem opposing to the previous point, but it really isn’t. Give a hug, say you’re sorry, and if you don’t know what to say after that just be quiet!! In this case it’s better to shut up than to talk stupid.

7. Assume an earlier miscarriage means less grief and pain than a later miscarriage.

Assuming an early miscarriage is less painful than a late miscarriage is the same as assuming that loosing a newborn is less painful than loosing a one year old. When that pregnancy test came back with two pink lines the mama started dreaming. She planned nursery colors, wondered if it was a boy or a girl, and sat in awe that there was a microscopic someone in her womb who would someday be a person, entirely separate from herself, who she could know and love. Her entire perspective on life was radically reworked. From that point on the mama will grieve the loss of her child as she would grieve the loss of any other family member—regardless of whether the loss happens at 6 weeks, 6 months or the day of the due date.

8. Assume ANYTHING about her emotional state.

Within the grieving process it is completely normal for a mama to have up days, down days, and pronounced mood swings during both. There will be days that her baby is on her mind constantly, and days that she barely even thinks of the loss. Her grieving process may look different than what you expect, even if your expectations are based on personal experience. Two days after she finds out she may be happy, content and trusting God. Four days after she finds out she may be dealing with spiritual attack, depression, and difficulty even reading her Bible—much less “trusting God” with anything. This is a normal occurrence and will pass with time.

Next week will be a more positive look at things that you can do for your loved one that will help focus her on the Lord and work through her grief in a healthy way.

After a miscarriage, Part 1: How to support during grief

The loss of a child, at any age, is one of the deepest pains a parent or family member can experience. The thought of what might have been can be very difficult for a parent to work through. While it is hard to know how to support someone who has recently miscarried, this is the time in a woman's life when the support and love of family and friends is most needed.

There are a lot of assumptions made about the grieving process after a miscarriage that are simply not true. Based on these incorrect assumptions it is very easy to say things that are unintentionally hurtful. At the same time, there are things that friends and loved ones can do to help the mama process her grief in a healthy way and move through it.

Over the next two weeks, on Tuesdays, I am going to post some "Do's and Don'ts" when it comes to  helping your friend work through her grief. I'm sure there are many more things than I will write, but these will help you think through the grieving process your loved one is going through. Support won't mean taking away the pain, but it may mean that you will be able to lighten the stress they are feeling by being understanding and well informed.

What NOT to do (Part 2)
How to help (Part 3)

To Everything there is a Season

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:...
A time to be born, and a time to die...
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecc 3:1,2a,4

 This past Sunday evening, a week ago now, I began bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to concern me. I've been told that it is fairly common to experience minor bleeding in the first trimester, so (after sending an immediate email to my midwife) I calmed down and went to bed. Not to sleep, but to bed.

The next day I had some spotting, but no more bleeding. My midwife told me that the amount I experienced most likely wasn't a problem, but she wanted to schedule me for a sonogram just in case. My hubby and I had decided not to get a sonogram unless there was a medical reason to, and this sounded like a good medical reason. So I said go ahead. She scheduled it for Friday.

Tuesday I had almost zero spotting, and was feeling very calm. I assumed this was just "one of those things" and was pretty okay with everything. I had started to feel some unusual aches and pains, but they were quite mild--normal "pregnancy" stuff, I assumed. I was more concerned about waking up congested that morning than I was about my baby.

Late Wednesday evening there was more bleeding. Less this time, but definitely there. This time I called my midwife--though I wondered how the dear lady (who delivered my siblings, my husband, and his siblings, plus about 3,000 other babies in the last 35 years) ever got any sleep. It was that evening, before we realized there was more bleeding, that we decided to tell our immediate family about the emergency sonogram. Up till then it just hadn't seemed necessary.

The next morning I weighed myself.  I've been keeping various stats on my pregnancy written on a calendar, including my gradual weight gain. Staying at a healthy weight has never been an issue with me, and a couple weeks ago I crossed my personal weight pregnancy "threshold." Seeing the numbers tip our scale was a celebration! I was officially in "pregnancy" weight range!! Thursday morning, though, my weight was down, nearly 2lbs. 1/3 of the weight I gained over the last (almost) 3 months had just melted away sometime since I'd last stepped on the scale. I was no longer in the "pregnancy" weight range.  I remember vividly stepping out of the bathroom that morning. I felt a realization wash over me--a realization I quickly shoved down as an unreasonable fear--that my baby was gone.

Friday I was exhausted and emotional. Unreasonably emotional, in my opinion at the time. I needed plenty of support and hugs from my hubby--even if the little bit of extra snuggle time after we cleaned the house put us at risk of being a wee bit late for the sonogram. I was, privately, concerned enough that I took a pregnancy test that morning "just to make sure." I knew if something had happened the hormones wouldn't be out of my system yet. But somehow, seeing those two instantly appearing pink lines gave me a little bit of assurance to hold on to. According to the test, at least, I was still pregnant. I also wasn't looking forward to the sonogram, as sonograms in the first trimester aren't nearly so pleasant as ones when the baby is more visible. But it was totally worth it to see my baby's heart beat!!

We went back to the darkened room, my husband, my midwife, her assistant, the sonographer (is that what they are called?) and me. I was instructed to lie down on the bed. We tried the regular sonogram first. She rolled the little tool all over my belly, but there was nothing. I knew something wasn't right. At nearly 11 weeks my baby should have been there--even if he was small. (A little bigger than a Kumquat, according to my week-by-week pregnancy guide). But I still hoped.

Second choice was the T-V sonogram--though not very pleasant, it gave a much better picture. With it the Sonographer found my little sack. It was a dark spot she zoomed in on. She had been telling us what we were seeing as we went along, but she didn't need to tell me what I was seeing then. I've never seen a sonogram before--and always thought those fuzzy little pictures shown by excited mothers or siblings at church were extremely difficult to decipher. But that still, motionless, black shape in my womb wasn't any challenge to decipher, even for somebody who'd never seen one before.

Our baby was gone.

Our midwife took a few minutes with us to gently explain what had happened and what we could expect over the next few weeks. She told us the miscarriage hadn't been a recent thing--it was recent within the last month, but it had been longer than a week. The bleeding was a result of my body purging--by the time I got the first signal that something was wrong my baby had been gone for at least several days, probably more.

My hubby reacted first--his first tears broke in the office. He'd so looked forward to being a daddy.

I was slower--it always takes me several hours before I can react to a major thing. I was sad at first, of course, but more in a stunned "my life isn't following the course I thought it would" way. But that evening, while my littlest brother was playing a rendition of Yankee Doodle Boy, it hit me. No longer was I processing how my own life changed with those few minutes in the sonogram. No longer was I mentally adjusting to a new plan for the next year, the need to find a new home for the eagerly given hand-me-down-maternity clothes and adjust our vacation plans. No longer was the thought that we will have other children in the future a comfort.

Instead all I could think about was that black, motionless shape in my womb. That individual that I'll never be able to meet on this earth. That tiny little heart that wasn't beating anymore. And how very, very, very badly I wanted it to beat. I would have done anything to make it beat again.

*~*~*~*

All that happened just two days ago. The grieving process has been difficult, particularly when combined with the physical discomfort of loosing a baby (though the serious cramping has yet to come). But there have been blessings in the storm. I remember almost instantly when the grieving hit my mind went to New Jerusalem.

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

I know that God is going to use this in our lives, in my life, to work some greater good. I have absolute,unshakable faith that God had a reason. My baby didn't just die and go into nothingness, my baby is with Jesus. Someday we will meet, and Mama's arms will be full for the first time. I'll get to know my baby then--personality, hair, their smile. I'll know whether my baby took after me or my husband (maybe? Do glorified bodies still show that? I don't know! I kinda hope so, though).

Years ago I heard Elisabeth Elliot say she had no regrets about her first marriage--even though her husband was martyred just 3 years after their wedding, she would have done it all over again, even knowing the pain. It is better to love and loose, than to never love at all. I didn't grasp that at the time. I thought maybe she would have chosen differently--the pain of Jim dying would still be there had they just been friends, of course, but not the devastating pain of widowhood.

I understand what she meant now. I have no regrets about my pregnancy. I know that this baby was created out of the union of my husband and my love, and that while I was never able to hold my baby, Jesus has. Together my husband and I created a life that will be able to praise God in heaven for eternity. And though we are separated here on earth temporarily, eternally speaking it will be for just a moment. If I'd been given the choice between not being pregnant, and becoming pregnant but miscarrying at 8 weeks, I would have chosen the second. Even knowing the devastating pain of lost motherhood. Because it was worth it.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”Psalms 139:13-16 (ESV)

Job 14:5 Seeing his days are determined, the number of his months are with thee, thou hast appointed his bounds that he cannot pass;

God knew when he made my baby that my child would only have 8 short weeks. He knew my child would never have the opportunity to serve Him on earth, my baby would never be able to tell someone about Jesus, never be able to minister to a hurting soul, never have the opportunity to bless other Christians or comfort the lost. And yet God still created my baby. He still thought my baby was worth it. And so do I.

I'll close with a song that has comforted me (even if I have cried every time I've heard it. You're warned.). :-)